Insanity: A Heart-felt Apology

 I am not an honest man, I am a sinner. It always takes me a long time to realize my mistakes. I am proud, I am arrogant... and for all the wrong reasons.

I'm sorry, it's that simple. Yet I want you to know it goes deeper than that. I'm done being selfish and stupid, I'm done being arrogant and idiotic. I don't care about redemption, I don't even know if I want you to forgive me. This is to say that I am simply sorry.

I can't use my youth as an excuse. Maybe I can... I don't know. Life is short and I intend to live it with the best of my abilities. Yet in a sudden twist of fate, I find myself needing your consent again. I have long thought the chapter of my life is done that included you. I assumed that moving through the pages, not looking back, the past will sort itself out. I was wrong-- I have to fix my own mistakes. I have to look you in the eye again, unflinching and change. Can I do it? I don't know. But I have to.

You're that chapter in my life I keep looking back on. I fantasize about the “what if's” everyday. Will I be a different man if I had been a better one? Can my choices now change, erase or re-write the past? Can I have a future with you where my past decisions that I have regretted won't haunt me? These are the things that I ask myself.

I have loved you, I have hated you, I have cared I have not. You are the one that made me feel. The complete and utter happiness with you is as intense as the gaping hole you left in my life. I reflect on the comedy and tragedies we had together. It became a big part of who I am now.

We don't need to talk, you don't even need to say anything. Consider this as a final selfish act on which I impart to you my thoughts. I wrote this straight-faced, untouched by any emotions but that desire for your attention. To tell you I was stupid and I'm sorry... no, it goes deeper than that. I sit here, challenging myself if I can make you feel this apology. To tell you that I have regretted hurting you, choosing meaningless distractions over you, not being there for you and leaving you when you need me most. I really am sorry.

Basically, I apologize for being an asshole. No, a huge asshole. I wish you to find happiness I much as I do. It doesn't even mean that we have to share it. Life is strange that way.

Again, I'm sorry for the past I can never change. I'm tired of regretting what I can't change. I just hope we have a future where that awkwardness will pass, we'll toast a cold beer, share a funny story and erase the painful memories.

:D